I just fell. Literally. I was carrying oatmeal
to my daughter. I
started to go up the stairs, somehow didn't make the first step,
went over the side and landed on the hardwood floor. I was
shocked and confused. I sat up on my knees for a minute to catch
my breath. Oh my God; it hurts! I don't know if I'm OK. I feel
scared and weirdly sad; I stifle the urge to cry; I'm 46-where
did that feeling come from?
My right big toe and my left shin immediately start aching. I
sit
on the step that I never quite achieved and check on them; the
big toe isn't swelling but the shin is; it's probably not
broken.
What the hell happened? I don't even know how I ended up on the
floor. I feel shaky and a little nauseated; my heart is racing.
I
mentally check the rest of my parts. So far, so good. The cat
scrabbled out of the room when I fell; I'll find her later. The
oatmeal's all over the wood floor which isn't really supposed to
get wet, so the dog and I clean it up--all while I still don't
know how it happened. Why is that important? I don't know.
I walk upstairs, give my daughter her oatmeal, and notice my
voice is a little tremulous as I tell her what happened. Back
downstairs I go into the den where I can settle myself a little.
Now the immediate fear and sadness are replaced with more
diffuse
anxiety.
My back is starting to hurt and my right shoulder is angry.
Speaking of which, how could I be so stupid? What if I really
injured something?
My daughter started junior high last month; my mother-in-law
just
had major surgery, and I'm moving my primary office. I cannot
afford to be hurt right now, whereupon the pain in my back
increases. Jesus I can't believe this. I'm not a faller. I don't
fall. I made fun of the old lady in the Clapper commercial,
"Help. I've fallen down and I can't get up." And then it all
hits me, in a rush of terrible insight.
This fall should not be a big deal. But it is. This fall should
not have rattled my world. But it did. 1) I am middle age (if I
live to 92); I get hurt easier and worse and it takes longer to
recover. I don't notice that because I don't get hurt that much.
Why? Because I don't do as much physically as I did 20 or even
10 years ago. 2) The consequences of illness or injury are so
much greater now. My health affects my ability to pay the bills,
save for retirement, and spend time with my family. Me being out
of commission for a length of time really is a big deal with big
consequences; not as big as if the epicenter of the family, my
wife, got hurt, but still pretty big.
I am beginning to notice that my left knee and ribs are aching.
I
am resolving to be more careful. I was in a hurry. Lately it
seems like I'm always in a hurry. I was proud that I didn't let
go of the bowl. It didn't break; it only spilled. Next time, I
hope I let go and break my fall with both hands.
I just realized my daughter left for school; the day of her
first
school dance; and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye or good
luck. The time is passing so quickly now. Sometimes it feels
like
I'm always falling.
Light and Love,
Dr. Tim Sams
My Sacred Journey
http://www.mysacredjourney.com
Copyright 2004. Dr. Tim Sams. All rights reserved.
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