Forgiveness is a critical
element in becoming self actualized and
fully loving. Forgiving is the process by which you let go of
feeling victimized or having wronged others. It allows you to
climb out of the dark well of anger, bitterness, or guilt into
which you can easily fall.
In a busy life, you are frequently confronted with opportunities
to forgive others as well as yourself. With others, you cope
with mild frustrations like the delivery person who shows up
late, or with more severe transgressions like the friend who
tells your secrets. With these events, forgiving is hindered if
the behavior violates your basic sense of what is "right" or
fair, or how you think people "should" behave. When someone
wrongs you, your anger can be empowering as you prepare to
defend your principles and "fight the good fight." Or, you may
believe that forgiveness is possible only if the other person
admits to the wrongdoing. All of these attitudes are unhealthy
when rigidly maintaining your anger and sense of victimization.
It is also frequently necessary to forgive yourself, since you
regularly evaluate your own behaviors, some of which may not
meet your own standards Forgiving yourself is harder than
forgiving
others if you tend to judge yourself more harshly than others
with a perfectionist style that doesn't permit mistakes. You may
pride yourself on high standards for your own conduct. Or, you
may believe that only God has the right to forgive you. These
beliefs encourage poor self-esteem and the corrosive effects of
guilt.
In Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to
Seizing Passion and Purpose, the
process of forgiving is described as APEX healing. It begins
with Acknowledging the reality of the situation without
distortion or denial. Then, you give yourself Permission to feel
whatever is real and congruent with your thoughts about the
event
and the person responsible. Label your specific feelings and
their actual intensity; don't label yourself as upset or
irritated when you're really angry. Whenever possible try to
Empathize with the person who committed the transgression; put
yourself in their position and imagine how you might have done
something similar. If you are considering self-forgiveness,
remember what was going on with you at the time of the incident,
not merely in hindsight. Ultimately, you can explore strategies
for forgiveness.
To forgive others, you might consider the behavior as a one-time
aberration; focus on the behavior, not the outcome; minimize the
importance of the consequences; or minimize how much you think
about the event. To forgive yourself, you can give yourself
permission to make mistakes; promise yourself not to repeat the
behavior; or vow to learn from the event. In some cases, it can
be helpful to write a letter of forgiveness.
The process of forgiveness can last anywhere from a few seconds
to years. It is the ultimate stress management solution in a
civilization with a rapidly accelerating pace and increasingly
complex lifestyle. It allows you to choose your paths, your
present, and your future.
Dr. Tim Sams
My Sacred Journey
www.mysacredjourney.com
Copyright 2004. Dr. Tim Sams. All rights reserved.
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