Mature selfishness is the
cornerstone of effectively living with
passion and purpose. A commitment to self-interest is practical
and efficient since you are better able to meet your needs than
hope that someone else does. It is the basis for the laws of
natural selection and "survival of the fittest." Unfortunately,
society has given mature selfishness a bad name.
Parents are well intended when they teach their children that
selfishness is bad. Infants are primitively selfish and need to
learn compromise, delay of gratification, and social interest to
deal effectively with others. Yet, there is a continuum from
constant, immediate selfishness on one end to always putting
other people before you on the other end. Children need to
progress from immature selfishness to a more moderate, mature
selfishness that incorporates the interest of others. However,
teachers, peers, religions, movies, and books continue to send
the message that selfishness is wrong; not that it must be
moderated.
Mature selfishness naturally guides you to people and situations
that encourage pleasure, happiness, and even hedonism. But, you
have to give yourself permission to be selfish and to meet your
desires for fun and relaxation. This may be difficult if you are
overly socialized and base your life almost entirely on caring
for others; this has been referred to as "co-dependent." Mature
selfishness can also be compromised when you carry within you an
overly committed Judeo-Christian work ethic. You may feel
extremely guilty or anxious when you are not working out of
concern that you are being lazy or that tasks are left undone.
Mature selfishness is a process of managing a hierarchy of
desires including short- and long-term activities from sex and
amusement parks to retirement planning. You feel passionate
about
desires that feel deeply personal, important, and urgent which
make you intensely committed toward a course of action. Thus,
selfishness is the wellspring of passion.
In Stepping Stones: 10 Steps to Seizing Passion and Purpose,
(http://www.mysacredjourney.com/bookstore.htm)
strategies for
enhancing mature selfishness are described. You need to
acknowledge to yourself and others that you are committing to
healthy selfishness. You may choose to discuss this with your
family or friends in a way that provides them some benefit, too.
You can practice selfishness by developing a Fun List; this is a
list of thirty activities that are fun, whether quietly
enjoyable
like reading a book or rollicking pleasure like a county fair or
whitewater rafting. Over time, you commit to adding items to the
list that you can discover through friends, your local
newspaper,
the Internet, or flyers in the mail.
The Fun list becomes the structure and encouragement for "YOU"
to practice fun activities including sensual ones. Sensual
literally
means "of the senses." Overly socialized, hard working people,
especially women, may engage in very little sensual activity.
Practicing sensuality, e.g., walking through the woods,
attending
concerts, or getting a massage can help you break through any
self-imposed barriers to pleasure.
It is up to you to decide how to meet your needs and satisfy
your
desires; not the world that taught you that selfishness is bad
and that everybody matters more than you. You are so precious;
you deserve to feel happy.
To begin your journey for developing your own mature
selfishness,
plan to spend three hours every week doing something that only
you want to do . . . alone. Then revel in that time and activity
that you've chosen. Most importantly, put *your* name in your
date book. Remember: start with three hours of selfish time for
yourself. Can you do it? Will you do it? It might take your
family, partner or co-workers a couple of weeks to get used to
the new you, but they will see the positive change in your
attitude, your passion, and your commitment to becoming a better
you. In the end, they will benefit. So why not start this week?
Dr. Tim Sams
My Sacred
Journey
http://www.mysacredjourney.com
Copyright 2004.
Dr. Tim Sams. All rights reserved.
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